A love note to myself on my bday-
Carino, you’re 36 today, and on this birthday you are more aware, more open, more alive than you’ve ever been in your life. You’re also more raw, broken open in ways, more conscious, softer, & vulnerable than ever before, and that’s a beautiful thing.
Today, when I look into your eyes, I love you.
I see a beautiful woman whose beautiful heart and soul shines through, who I love.
Do you remember those days when you didn’t know what self-love was?
When you looked in the mirror and all you saw was what was missing and wrong?
Where you sought and sought outside yourself for validation of your worth.
Years of working hard, harder, harder, and harder, to finally feel enough.
Hustling for love, for worthiness.
How far we’ve come from those days.
How my heart breaks for that version of myself that did not see what I see now.
At 36 years of age I feel more myself, am more in love with this woman, with ALL that she is, her strength, her vulnerabilities, her shortcomings, her messy parts, her hurts, her incredible heart and joy and capacity for loving beyond herself.
To see that you’re not perfect, that you have messy parts, and you are still lovable…
…no, that because of your humanity & your messy parts you are loved, well, that’s such a beautiful gift
One that I now give myself freely and without reservations
Corazoncito, what a journey you’ve been on…am I right?
I thought the journey was about achieving, because I didn’t know I was hustling for worth.
Am I still striving to achieve, yes, but not because I have anything to prove to anyone externally anymore.
It’s now an inside job.
Now, my journey is about whole-hearted living.
Courageous, awkward, authentic, boundary-setting living.
About standing in my truth,
Being in integrity with my most important values, no matter whose feathers are ruffled or who is uncomfortable with my choices about my life.
About saying yes when I mean it, and
Saying no, when it’s my truth, even if my knees might shake or someone might be sad/offended/anything else because of my personal boundaries.
Choosing joy, happiness, open-hearted, courageous, & imperfect living again,and again, and again, and again.
These days my journey is about continuing to heal from the inside out,
Understanding that the trauma I’m healing is not just mine, but comes from generations and centuries.
That through my veins runs the blood of my ancestors, which includes unbelievable heartbreak, as well as the most beautiful and powerful gifts, passed down from generation to generation.
And that with the work I’m doing, the harmful patterns, those weeds in the karmic garden, stop with me.
With love and tenderness saying, “thank you for trying to protect me” but I’m letting you go now.
I got this.
And also, having the awareness that the “broken/hurt” parts that are healing, bring me closer to the rest of the world, one that has often faced pain, heartbreak, injustice…
…and so, at the end of the day we’re not so different after all, and in some weird way, our pain lets us see each other with more compassion, understanding, and love.
See that scar?
I have one too.
You are lovable regardless of how many scars you have or how they got there.
I love you.
I love me.
My work these days is to keep opening my heart to more joy,
To more love,
To more authentic yeses,
To powerful NOs,
To honoring my truth,
To showing up for myself and giving me the love that is my birthright.
To seeing and honoring what I wish to nourish within me and the authentic me.
Luzita, on this day I love
- your love for dancing, and how you let go and open up to joy as the music starts
- you when you sing, and you let loose and belt it out with such life & joy
- your stupid funny jokes
- the scrunch in your nose when you laugh
- that one dimple you have
- how you light up everytime you’re on a stage
- the way you pour your heart into all your commitments
- how your word is golden and can be depended on each time
- your love for the world, and how you shower your love on complete strangers and have always tried in some way to make the world a more loving, compassionate, & just place for all
I see you, I see your heart, and I love you, and always will.
Happy bday corazon.